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There’s still a lot to be said when it comes to processing my father’s passing. I don’t think I ever truly got to grieve properly because I was scared. I had too many things to do now, too many responsibilities. I felt like I could no longer justify the way I was before. I would never be the same again.
Through a series of bad decisions later I made the decision to get on a dating app. I knew I shouldn’t have but I wanted a distraction. Little did I know it would end up being the best decision I ever made.
I matched with Meet. If I’m being honest, what really won me over was the photo of him and his husky, who I can’t imagine not being in my life! I began chatting with him and instantly he was already different. He took so much time texting me each message. Each text, more detailed and carefully written than the last. Even on the days I felt like I didn’t want to be on the dating app and stopped responding- he checked in.
I eventually opened up about my dad. I didn’t care if it would have scared him away on the chance he didn’t want to deal with me while I went through this chapter of my life. I thought, well if he’s really that perfect he’ll understand me. And he did. I never felt as safe as I did, talking about my dad, then with him. Then we decided to meet.
But in two weeks. He was busy. My co-workers nicknamed him workaholic. I was so confused at first, who schedules their first date two weeks out? Yeah, he’s not serious about us. Two weeks went by quietly, and I messaged him asking if we still had a date. He responded back immediately and said, “Yes, I have it on my calendar.” I literally laughed seeing that and got ready for our date.
Ironically, his work building was right across from my apartment building. So after work he walked over and we officially met. I started smiling and laughing out of nervousness with an underlying feeling of extreme guilt. I couldn’t believe I was on a date when my dad passed away three months ago. How could I think of doing something like that? Just how I was told I couldn’t celebrate my birthday this year because of his passing. Why am I doing this? I should leave.
I didn't. We went on to hang out for 8 hours and talked for hours. At the end of our date, I had a feeling he was the one. But I definitely wasn’t going to tell him that. It was properly an impulsive thought. The weeks that followed, we kept talking and getting to know each other more. I felt myself holding back mostly because of guilt. I didn’t deserve to be this happy right now. I needed time.
At one point, Meet and I ended up talking about our futures and where we saw this going. I told him I really liked him and I knew he felt the same even if he wouldn’t say it. He opened up so much about his life and felt like I understood him on a whole different level. I ended up telling him I felt guilty for everything I’ve done prior to my dad’s passing and my actions after; I felt like I didn’t deserve to be here. He responded in a way I never expected. He held me SO tightly and reassured me that that wasn’t the case. I just went through something so big and no one expects me to just be okay. He knew I’ve been struggling. I knew at that moment, my dad had sent me Meet when he knew I needed him most. Now I was scared of losing him. I was in too deep.
What I learned from that night, it was okay to feel like this but maybe I should approach processing my grief differently if this wasn’t working.
I went to therapy. Not without some hesitation. I felt like I was crazy and what would people think of me once they found out. My mom even questioned why I was going. I went into my first session thinking I wouldn’t get anything out of it. Once we started, I let everything out. I cried so much. Every thought, every feeling, every self destructive thought. I was embarrassed when I realized everything I just said. She just smiled and listened. I kept going back after that.
Therapy helped me. It made me come to terms with a lot of things I pushed away from. I had no choice but to face them. It made me stronger.
Some time passed and I wasn’t sure if Meet felt the same about me anymore. One day, he told me he really needed to speak to me. And at that moment, on the top of my apartment building overlooking the city, he told me if there’s even a small chance of us working out. He wants in.
I finally found my forever. I deserved to be this happy.
Let’s do it.
Til next time,
Aami